It’s Not About You

People we love and care about sometimes mistreat us, say unkind things to us or about us, verbally or physically abuse us, neglect, ignore, betray, reject, or abandon us. Our first reaction is almost always to personalize it. Please understand that people’s negative behaviors are not about us and everything to do with what is going on inside of them. We cannot react by taking ownership of their negative junk when they act out of their own unhealthy patterns that we are not responsible for. It will not only hurt us deeply but make us believe lies that affect how we see ourselves.

What we can do is take ownership and responsibility for our own junk, ask for forgiveness when applicable, and impose healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from allowing their actions to hurt us physically, spiritually, or emotionally. That just gives unhealthy people way too much power in our lives. And last time I checked, only God is allowed to have that kind of authority in our lives.

We can’t make people’s problems our problems. When we do that, they own us! Causing us to lose sight of who we are because we are so caught up in them and their drama. They will live rent free in our heads and consume us. And that only leads to bitterness, anger and resentments robbing us of our joy, peace and sanity. You are worth so much more.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4:23

Who Or What Controls Your Emotions?

Who or what controls your emotions? Is it you, someone or something that happen to you? The book of Proverbs warns, “Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it flows the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Behaviors that bind that hurt self and others start early in life. Many people, even in the best of homes, are living on “leftovers” – emotions and attitudes left over from the way they were raised.

For instance, those who as children felt they could never measure up to expectations are likely to experience feelings of inadequacy, rejection, shame, and guilt as adults; they may also deal with resentment and hostility.

And grown people who walk away from responsibility or commitments when they don’t get their way are frequently the ones whose parents caved into their every desire. This is why it’s so hurtful to give in to children’s temper tantrums and demands. They learn the world is their oyster and grow to be demanding, entitled, selfish, self-centered adults.

Those who struggle with low self-worth or low self-esteem are often a byproduct of lack of childhood acceptance and affirmation. It’s important for children to learn they are of tremendous value to parents but most importantly their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Their sense of security should come, not from possessions, whether they are “good” or “bad’ but from a personal relationship with Him that says they are valued and loved for who they are no matter what. Otherwise, as adults, they may operate out of shame instead of the precious gift of God’s never-ending grace.

“Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

Colossians 3:21

…having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

Your Pain Is Never Wasted

The pain of unmet needs, thoughtless words, hurtful actions, to overt abuse can linger for a lifetime manifesting in various negative, behaviors such as addiction, unhealthy relationship, and abusive patterns. These low hanging toxic fruit from our tree of life pollute everything around us stunting emotional growth.

Behind the violation and the physical pain of the trauma of abuse, there is a message that was sent to the hearts of victims that have left deep open wounds which continue to fester. These messages speak lies to us and skew beliefs about ourselves and others. These lies lead our wounded hearts to adopt faulty reactions and faulty behaviors to hide our intense hurt and build walls that act as barriers to intimacy with God. Yet the Lord lovingly uses our current struggles, failures, and our problem relationships to reveal unresolved emotional pain as God calls each one of us to account. His desire is to break down those walls of self-protection and heal our hurting hearts in order to set us free. Take a moment to meditate on the following scripture and let it resonate deeply in your hearts.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed.”
Luke 4:18

If you have found yourself the prisoner of a painful past, there is hope for your hurting heart. God’s word says…

“In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
1 Thessalonians 5:18

No trial – no abuse is wasted. Your pain doesn’t have to be pointless; it can be full of purpose. Because you know the pain of abuse you have the ability to have compassion for others who have been wounded and abused. Thank God for what He is teaching you through the very difficult situation and the pain. Allow the Lord to take your pain and turn it into a precious ministry – a ministry of compassion to comfort and exhort others who are hurting.

You Have To Feel To Heal

Many wounded believers are bound and shackled in their souls, carrying invisible scars from a painful childhood or past. They have mastered the art of medicating through various means so as not to face the awful reality of the roots of their hurt and the excruciating emotional pain that it brings. What they don’t realize is that they must connect with the emotion of the event so they can grieve and heal.

When we are unable to connect emotionally, we are in denial – minimizing, protecting to avoid the pain. This is what most of us have been doing all of our lives – running away thereby bypassing the grieving process altogether unable to move forward. However, it is the grieving process that gives Jesus access to step inside our pain – to love us, comfort us, wipe away our tears, as He lovingly begins to replace the lies, the messages that have polluted our hearts and minds which have robbed us from seeing ourselves through our right identity as precious children of the living God.

To grieve means to mourn a loss, sorrow, express feelings of grief, sadness or regret. It’s a cleansing process that heals the soul and allows us to come to terms with the wreckage of our past. As we sorrow and weep over the losses, the walls of self-protection begin to come down and the burdens we have carried are removed and given over to the Lord. Then God’s word begins to come alive in our hearts in a real and tangible way. Our faith is renewed and hope is restored as we start to take God at His word as He heals and restores our hearts, while we hold fast to His promises.

““The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To console those who mourn in Zion, To give beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for heaviness. That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” (Isaiah 61:1-3

Insecurity Breeds Relationship Issues

Love is the answer to all our insecurity and relational issues. When we accept God’s love, we can recognize our tremendous value and worth in Him and in turn recognize others’ value. But because of our past wounds and experiences, we are often unable to accept God’s love, and it leaves us struggling with insecurities. Insecurity is a big culprit in how we get along with others.

When we are insecure, we easily become threatened by others, and find it hard to honestly esteem others with the value and significance they deserve as God’s beloved children. Women especially suffer in record numbers with insecurities and low self-esteem. Even in the church, women silently suffer from feelings of being less than.

When you begin to grasp God’s great love for you, and that reality goes from your head to your heart, you will become convinced that you should honor others with that same amazing love.

If you are struggling with insecure thoughts and feelings of worthless, spend time soaking in God’s love for you. Scripture tells us that we love God because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). Despite the lies the enemy has made you believe about your value and worth that is hindering your ability to love and be loved — when you go to the source of love, He will remove every barrier hindering your ability to receive His love. Then you will be able to fulfill our Christian calling to “Love God with all your soul, heart and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. “(Mathew 22:37) We cannot give what we don’t have.

As God washes you with His word, He will fill your with His thoughts and truths, and equip you for loving others because you will understand the very nature and depth of His love.

Abuse Takes Many Forms

Often people don’t realize they are being abused because movies depict the most terrorizing physical images that don’t line up with their experience. But abuse takes many forms and shapes, leaving those in the situation confused, unsure of themselves, living in shame, and walking on eggshells to not set the person off.

Each family member takes on a role, in order to cope:

• the family hero rises above the reputation and devastation with awards and accomplishments.

• the quiet one stays in their room and doesn’t engage often.

• the problem child becomes the one everyone blames.

• the enabler centers their whole life around the abuser, addict, etc. trying to fix and control them

• the counselor tries to comfort and distract the family from the issues

The ways we survived as a child, we take into adulthood unless there has been some sort of intervention. This is where life gets tricky because in healthy situations or relationships our roles don’t fit without some kind of conflict. We get confused, frustrated, etc. because healthy people don’t respond to our roles in the way they use to serve us. Eventually we get help and draw close to God whose love and grace flood into those very vulnerable and broken places. Our hearts become transformed.

Unfortunately we often attract the very relationships we prayed to get out of because our roles work in the dysfunctional and the cycle now begins to repeat itself sadly. Many people are unable to see their way out of these cycles and keep going back into them, like attracts like. If you are in an abusive situation, there is help.

Cycles of abuse are hard to break, it’s hard work, but it’s worth it 🙏 God is able to break the lies you believe and once the lies are replaced with his truth, our behaviors change.

“Therefore, brothers and sisters, in view of the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your true worship. Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:1-2

Niki Chiles

God Heals Wounded Hearts

God can heal your broken heart, you just have to be willing to surrender all the broken pieces. He makes broken things new, gives us beauty for ashes and a life of abundance and purpose beyond our pain. You may not have had a choice of becoming a victim, but you have a choice to stay one.

Give your hurts over to the One who can heal and mend your wounded heart. When you do that – Your Precious Savior will leave His fingerprints all over your heart, and you will come to a realization in the depth of your soul as Job came to know that – your Redeemer Lives! And that you are a precious child of the living God, deeply loved, who holds every one of your tears in a bottle. Let Him comfort you as He applies His soothing healing balm to your hurting heart. Jesus is the Balm of Gilead.

Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved for you are the one I praise.
Jeremiah 17:14

I have come to heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor;
He has sent Me [a]to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are [oppressed;
Luke 4:18

Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.

Psalm 51:8 .
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
Psalm 51:17