Abuse Isn’t Always Physical

 

When we hear the word “abuse,” most of us picture physical harm. But according to Christian counselor June Hunt, abuse is broader, it’s any pattern of behavior designed to control, demean, or dominate a spouse.

Sadly, this can happen even in Christian homes. Abuse can wear many faces:

Verbal & Emotional – cutting words, constant criticism, manipulation, silent treatment, threats.

Financial – controlling all money, hiding resources, denying access to necessities.

Spiritual – misusing Scripture or spiritual authority to control, shame, or silence.

Sexual – coercion, disrespecting boundaries, demanding intimacy without care or consent.

Physical – hitting, shoving, throwing things, using intimidation or force.

Abuse is not love. True, Christlike love “protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13). Abuse seeks to tear down and control – love builds up and protects.

Friend, if this describes your marriage, please hear this: you are not invisible to God. He sees your pain. He calls abuse what it is – wrong. He is a refuge for the oppressed (Psalm 9:9) and will make a way of escape.

You do not have to stay silent. Healing and hope are possible.

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” – Psalm 9:9

We are here to walk with you through your healing journey.

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When Love Hurts: Understanding Trauma Bonds

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” – Psalm 9:9

Some relationships leave us confused, exhausted, and emotionally drained. Yet despite the pain, we struggle to walk away. Something invisible but powerful keeps pulling us back—even when we know it’s harmful.
This invisible chain has a name: trauma bonding.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
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A trauma bond forms in relationships where abuse and affection are intertwined, often in a repeating cycle. It happens when someone hurts you, then showers you with kindness, apologies, or attention—just enough to make you question what’s really happening.
You begin to think:

  • “Maybe it’s my fault.”
  • “They’re not always like this.”
  • “I just need to be more patient or understanding.”

The truth is, these highs and lows create confusion. The brain interprets this emotional rollercoaster as connection. Instead of safety and security, your nervous system becomes addicted to the chaos. The love you long for becomes entangled with fear, guilt, and hope for change.
Signs You Might Be Trauma-BondedYou may be in a trauma bond if:

  • You feel loyal to someone who repeatedly hurts you.
  • You justify or minimize their harmful behavior.
  • You isolate from loved ones to protect the relationship.
  • You constantly hope things will go back to how they were in the beginning.
  • You feel stuck, dependent, or powerless to leave.

This bond is not rooted in true love—it’s rooted in survival, fear, and unmet emotional needs.
The Cycle of AbuseTrauma bonds often develop in cycles:

  1. Tension builds – Walking on eggshells, fearing a blow-up.
  2. Abuse occurs – Verbal, emotional, physical, or spiritual harm.
  3. Reconciliation – Apologies, affection, “I’ll never do it again.”
  4. Honeymoon phase – Things feel better… until the cycle begins again.

This cycle can feel like love—but it’s not. Real love doesn’t come with emotional whiplash.
Why It’s So Hard to LeavePeople often ask, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” But the answer isn’t simple. Trauma bonds create deep emotional confusion and even chemical attachment in the brain—especially when mixed with past childhood wounds or abandonment trauma.
You may feel:

  • Afraid of being alone
  • Unworthy of healthy love
  • Responsible for the other person’s behavior
  • Ashamed or embarrassed to reach out for help

But friend, God never designed love to hurt like this. His heart is for you to walk in truth, safety, and freedom—not bondage.

A Biblical Lens on Trauma BondsTrauma bonding counterfeits what God designed. It mimics intimacy but lacks the fruit of the Spirit: gentleness, peace, self-control, kindness.

The Bible says:
“Love does no harm to a neighbor.” – Romans 13:10

“For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest.” – Luke 8:17

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” – 2 Corinthians 3:17

God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). If a relationship is full of fear, anxiety, and manipulation, it’s not love—it’s bondage. And Jesus came to set the captives free (Luke 4:18).

Healing Begins With TruthThe first step to healing from a trauma bond is to name it. The enemy thrives in secrecy, but freedom begins when we walk in the light.

If this blog resonates with you, you’re not alone. You are not crazy, overly sensitive, or weak. You’re likely trauma-bonded. And there is hope for healing. You don’t have to stay stuck in toxic cycles. God has better for you.

A Prayer for the Brokenhearted “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3

Lord, I lift up every woman and man reading this who feels trapped in a painful relationship. I pray you would open their eyes to see truth and give them strength to walk toward healing. Break the chains of fear, shame, and confusion. Speak love and courage over their hearts. Show them they are deeply worthy of real, Christ-centered love. Amen.

🕊️ Need help breaking free?
We offer trauma-informed, Christ-centered counseling through The Balm of Gilead Ministries. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Reach out. We’re here to walk with you.

📩 Visit: www.thebalmofgilead.co
📱 Follow us on Instagram: @thebalmofgilead
📖 More blog posts: [Rooted Hope Blog]

 

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Heal So You Don’t Bleed on Those Who Didn’t Cut You

Sometimes we can feel like we’re being strong and doing the best thing we can do by ignoring some of the hurts we’ve been blown. That, if we just get over it and never give that person or what they did a second glance or thought, it will be done with, and we’ll just, move on. But the reality is, things have wounded us don’t just go away, but end up sitting there, deep down in our hearts, and eventually end up seeping into the relationships we have now, cutting the people closest to us in areas of THEIR heart, all because we didn’t allow God to heal the wounds we took in our own.

There’s a reason why you snap at your significant other sometimes, when they didn’t do anything to warrant it.
There’s a reason you might have trust issues with those closest to you, when they’ve given you absolutely no reason to have them.

There’s a reason why sometimes you feel so down, when you have so many reasons around you to be up.

There’s a reason why you don’t want to be intimate with your husband, when he is everything you hoped for, and the man you dearly prayed for.

There’s a reason for it all, friend. And it starts with you, going back, and addressing whats been done and what you’ve gone through, so you can give it to God, and then allow the healing hand of Jesus to come in and heal and transform you.

Because God didn’t allow all that’s been done to hurt you and the relationships you are in, but to grow you, and draw you that much closer to Him, so you can shine even brighter, and reflect even more of Him. So don’t let your pain be a tool for the enemy. Let God use it to bring healing and Him, that much more glory.
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Find what’s been done, friend. Address it. And then heal from it, so your relationships won’t keep suffering because of it. 💕🙏🏼🙌🏼
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Sarah Jean Armstrong

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Healing Our Identity In Christ

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So many of us spend years searching for identity in people, places, and things.

We look to relationships, achievements, approval, or possessions to tell us who we are. And yet… those things never fully satisfy. They shift, fail, and leave us empty.

When our identity is tied to people, we feel lost when they disappoint or leave.

When it’s tied to places, we feel unsettled when life changes.

When it’s tied to things, we are left chasing the next achievement, purchase, or milestone—never at rest.

But true healing begins when we find our identity in Christ alone.
• In Him, we are chosen (1 Peter 2:9).
• In Him, we are forgiven and redeemed (Ephesians 1:7).
• In Him, we are complete (Colossians 2:10).
• In Him, we are deeply loved (Romans 8:38-39).

Healing comes when we allow God to peel back the false layers we’ve worn for so long, and let His Word define us.
Instead of striving for worth, we can rest in the truth:

I am who HE says I am.

Friend, you don’t have to live chained to other people’s opinions, past mistakes, or worldly measures of success. Jesus calls you into freedom, wholeness, and unshakable identity in Him.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving devotion”.
Jeremiah 31:3

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God Made Boundaries

God’s boundaries are a gift of love. From the very beginning, He set boundaries that separate light from dark, land from sea, good from evil, holiness from unholiness. Boundaries show ownership and worth, and in our lives, they protect what we value.

Scripture reminds us that we are the temple of the living God. That means you are precious and of tremendous worth—you belong to Jesus.

Yet many of God’s children don’t see their true value, and in turn, allow others to hurt or mistreat them. Unhealthy boundaries lead to unhealthy relationships, and broken boundaries lead to broken hearts.

But here’s the good news: when we allow the Lord to heal our hurts, He opens our eyes to see our worth in Him. We no longer feel the need to give in to negative patterns that rob us of peace. Instead, He teaches us how to set healthy, God-honoring boundaries that guard our hearts, protect our relationships, and keep bitterness and resentment from taking root.

You are valuable. You are chosen. You are loved. And with Him, you can walk in freedom and establish boundaries that reflect His heart for you. ❤️

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Forgive Then Even When They’re Not Sorry

You’re not weak for choosing to move on. You’re not weak for choosing to let this be something you no longer dwell on. And just like Jesus died on the cross to forgive us of all we have done and will ever do, before WE were ever sorry, He is asking us to do the same. Even if they are not sorry.

It’s not easy to let things go. It takes strength in Jesus to move on. It takes wanting God’s ways over our own. And most often times it takes asking God for the all help you need to do it, and asking Him to make His powerful presence known. But the more you release and forgive what others do to you, regardless if they deserve it or not, the more you can trust Jesus is working powerfully IN you, regardless if you can feel Him or not. And much sooner than later, you’ll be able to love more, forgive more, and help others more, regardless if they ever asked for it or not.
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I talk about it a lot because forgiveness is so so powerful, friends. It changes us, and is a constant reminder of what Jesus did FOR us on the cross. When you need help forgiving, look at Jesus. Look at what HE did for US. Look up, and look at the cross.❤️

@sarah.jean.armstrong

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When Helping Is Hurting

 

When someone is caught up in the throes of addiction, they are in bondage. They have lost the ability to stop using altogether. Family members of loved ones trapped in the cycle and the roller coaster of addiction do not comprehend the insanity of addiction. They honestly believe that if their loved one cared about their family, they would stop.  Since they don’t understand the dynamics of addiction, they think they can shame, guilt, manipulate, threaten, or bribe someone into quitting.  What they don’t understand is that you cannot rationalize addiction. People will go insane trying to get their loved ones to stop using often caring more about the addict’s life and responsibilities than they do, and become fixated on trying to fix, change, manage and control the addicted person’s behavior. And because they think they can love someone enough for them to stop using, they often enable the bad behavior by not allowing people to suffer the consequences of their poor choices that hurt them and those around them. Thus, without realizing it, they reinforce the bad behavior and offer the person in bondage no incentive to change or seek help. This allows the addiction to continue and hinders “the bottom” necessary for getting to a sweet place of brokenness and surrender required for healing and breaking free from the bondage of addiction.

Doesn’t the Bible tell us to help the needy? Yes, but it also tells us to be wise. Often, our helping is actually hurting. But how do we know the difference?  Helping is doing something for someone else that they are not capable of doing for themselves.  Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. Enabling encourages and helps the addict to stay in addiction.

On the surface, the “enabler’ may appear to be doing all the right things and doing good things to stop the user from destroying themselves, but often the enabler needs as much help as the addicted person. The only difference is that one behavior looks very good on the surface while the other not so good. The truth is they both need help.

Make no mistake about it! Allowing someone to continue in their addiction without making them accountable for their destructive behavior is enabling, it’s destructive, and must be addressed. Because it hurts everyone involved and cosigns with the enemy to destroy families, relationships and separates us from God. Both sides need to take responsibility and be accountable for their side of the fence. What, they both have in common is an inner woundedness. There is a deeper issue causing the addiction and the enabling. The difference is that it’s harder for the enabler to see their need for help because the rooted issues do not manifest in seemingly negative behaviors shunned by the Church and society but are instead applauded as selfless acts of mercy and love. Enabling allows the addict and enabler to stay in bondage, preventing them from seeing their need for help, and the destructive cycle will continue for a lifetime without intervention.

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1)

“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness but rather expose them.” (Ephesians 5:11)

 

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Stop Expecting People to be Like You

Stop expecting people to respond like you, behave like you, or do things like you. When you stop expecting these things from people, you’ll stop being disappointed with people and be free to love them where they’re at, for who they are, and who God created them to be. And it’s FREEING. You don’t hang on their words or responses. You aren’t waiting for the response that you think any “normal” person would give. You get to just, expect nothing. Need nothing in return. And love people.

We are all different, we all handle things different, we are all wired different, we have all lived through things that make us see things differently. Yeah, some people are more dysfunctional, yes, some people are odd, and some more…difficult, but always looking for people to respond a certain way or see things the way you see it is only setting you up to be constantly disappointed with them, life, God, and whatever else comes your way that you just don’t agree with. It’s really hard to live with or around someone who expects you to be someone you’re not. It’s really nice to be around someone who accepts you for all you are, and roots for you as you work to grow and change. It’s exhausting to be around someone where you feel like the way you respond is always just, wrong. It’s really incredible to be around someone who is full of acceptance, life, and makes it easy to be yourself. We have to remember, great expectations lead to great disappointments. Every time.

Make it your goal to just, love people, and accept them and who they are. People’s responses to things tells a story. It’s a piece of who they are. We will get so blessed by people when all expectations are taken off them. You might not always like what people have to say, but sometimes, you will be blown away by what they say. And God will use it so powerfully in your life. But it only happens when you stop expecting so much, and start accepting more. And choose to stop pushing people out the door who don’t think or act like you.

Let’s stop expecting people to be like us. God created us 100% uniquely for a reason. And I think that is pretty darn special and awesome.

Sarah Jean Armstrong

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The Love of Jesus Heals & Transforms

We can take all the baths, go on all the vacations, and read all the books we want, but the pain, hurt, and trauma that has been pushed down and stored deep down in our hearts won’t ever go away until we finally deal with them. They will only get buried deeper and deeper, until it eventually, it becomes too much, and they start seeping out in our lives, and something in us, breaks. Until we finally cannot hold in or hide the pain anymore.

Jesus is the ONLY one who knows what we have been through. Every single thing. He is the only one who can go back with us, to each situation, and TAKE that pain FROM us. But, we have to go back. We HAVE to deal with each one. We have to acknowledge what has been done. We have to allow ourselves to FEEL the pain, and process it, to let it go and finally be free from it. 

When I went to a Christian counselor (which I highly recommend) for the first time, I didn’t think that the issues I was having had ANYTHING to do with some of the things I had been through. Like, NO clue.  But friends, all of those things WERE the reasons I was having issues!

As we go through life, starting as precious children, we get hurt, and we will do whatever we need to do to survive the pain if we aren’t taught how to deal with it in a healthy way. Some of us harden to get through. Some of us, stuff and pretend these things never happened. Some of us turn to substances and would rather live in a state of numbing than feeling.

We were never meant to live in a state of survival. We were never meant to carry the weight of what’s been done to us. That is why Jesus came. To take ALL of the sin of this world, that others have done to us, and, what WE have done to ourselves and to others. And to heal of us it. To rid us of it, and remove the imprint left on us, from it.

We don’t need any more self love or self help books. We need the love of Jesus, to go in every crevice of our heart, and heal us, from the inside out. THAT love, changes things. THAT love, heals. And THAT love, has all the power in the world, to free you all the issues you want to change. Spend your time seeking THAT love, and EVERYTHING in you, and your life, will start to change.

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The Pain of Emotional Abuse Can Last A Lifetime

Think of a precious child. Maybe it’s your grandchild, a friend’s little boy, the little girl you teach at Sunday school whom God leads you to lavish extra love on. Now, picture someone screaming, “You’ll never amount to anything!” “I wish you had never been born!” “You’re worthless!” into their innocent little heart. It’s unimaginable that people could hurt a child in such a way. Unfortunately, it happens every day in homes across America. And the wounds in the heart of that little child can last a lifetime. Maybe that child was you long ago.

Often, because all the child knows is abuse, they will be drawn to people in adulthood who will abuse them much in the same way where control is at the forefront of the abuse. Angry threats like “If you leave me, I’ll kill you!” Or, “You and the kids won’t get a dime from me.” Both are examples of verbal and emotional abuse and are controlling tactics in abusive relationships

Abuse can also happen without a spoken word – it can be degrading looks, threatening stares, aggressive body language or other threatening behaviors. These actions are meant to inflict fear with great success, leaving the person on the receiving end with emotional pain that stunts emotional growth.

In some circles, even Christian ones, people don’t want to talk about emotions, and when they are discussed, the importance of emotional health and wholeness is minimized. Yet, we know that with deeply wounded people, negative emotions are at the center of thinking, feeling actions, and poor choices.

Emotional abuse attacks at the core of a person’s value, crushing their confidence and chips away at their self-worth, breaking their spirit in the process. God’s word says “A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries us the bones. “(Proverbs 17:22)

Stop the cycle. Seek help. God takes broken things and makes them whole. Run to the Balm of Gilead. Jesus is the balm who can heal the wounds of God’s children.

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