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Out of The Abundance of the Heart

There is a direct correlation between relationship conflict and negative emotions. We were designed for love and intimacy. Sadly, many of us were not given healthy forms of love. So we enter relationships with baggage full of skewed love systems and unmet needs expecting the other person to meet our emotional needs. However, since unhealthy people tend to attract unhealthy individuals into their lives who enter the relationship with their own emotional baggage – unmet needs and skewed forms of love expecting us to love them as they think they should be loved – it’s a great recipe for emotional pain and conflict. People enter relationships with all kinds of learned negative patterns of behavior for dealing with relationship conflict.

The truth is we will never be able to enjoy healthy mutually satisfying relationships until we deal with the issues of our own heart. When we can identify the cause of our emotional pain, we can then process the effects they have on our life, and we can stop blaming others, take ownership of our negative feelings and behaviors and stop allowing others to control our emotions.

People are not responsible for the way they make us feel. Understanding and accepting this enables us to let others off the hook and give them permission to take ownership of their feelings and stop blaming us for how they feel. Jesus heals and restores one heart at a time.

Healing from Complex Trauma After Emotional Abuse

People living under emotional control and gaslighting experience trauma not once, but daily.

Each time you were made to question your memory, apologize for their behavior, or minimize your pain, it sent the message that your feelings didn’t matter. Over time, this repeated invalidation breaks down your inner world.

You may notice symptoms like:

Feeling numb, anxious, or constantly on edge

Difficulty trusting your own perceptions

Fear of making decisions or upsetting others

Shame, guilt, or confusion about what really happened

A deep sense of loss for who you used to be

These are not weaknesses. They are the echoes of chronic emotional harm.

The Psychological and Spiritual Toll.

Complex trauma affects the brain and nervous system—keeping you in a cycle of fear and self-doubt. Spiritually, it can make you question even God’s goodness or your worth in His eyes.

But the truth is this: the abuse was never your fault. The Lord sees every wound, every tear, and every hidden scar. He is not distant from your pain—He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

The Path of Healing.

Healing from complex trauma is a process of both renewing your mind and restoring your spirit:

Recognize the truth: What happened to you was wrong. God calls evil what it is (Isaiah 5:20).

Rebuild your safety: Healthy boundaries and safe people are part of God’s design for healing.

Renew your identity: Your worth is not defined by what someone did to you—it’s defined by what Christ did for you.

Restore connection: The Holy Spirit is your Comforter, Counselor, and Healer. Invite Him into the places that still ache.

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” — John 8:32

Reflection Question:

Where in your heart have you believed lies about your worth or identity?

Ask the Lord to replace those lies with His truth today.

Prayer

Lord Jesus, You are the Balm of Gilead. Heal the wounds that were never seen, the fears that were never spoken, and the hearts that were never believed. Restore truth where lies have lived, peace where chaos reigned, and joy where sorrow took root. Remind us who we are in You—whole, loved, and free. Amen.

If you’re struggling to process emotional pain or past trauma, you don’t have to walk through it alone.

At The Balm of Gilead, our Christ-centered counselors are here to help you uncover the roots of your pain and find healing and freedom in Christ. Link below for more information.

Christ Centered Counseling – THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES

When Love Hurts: Understanding Trauma Bonds

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” – Psalm 9:9

Some relationships leave us confused, exhausted, and emotionally drained. Yet despite the pain, we struggle to walk away. Something invisible but powerful keeps pulling us back—even when we know it’s harmful.
This invisible chain has a name: trauma bonding.
What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond forms in relationships where abuse and affection are intertwined, often in a repeating cycle. It happens when someone hurts you, then showers you with kindness, apologies, or attention—just enough to make you question what’s really happening.
You begin to think:

“Maybe it’s my fault.”
“They’re not always like this.”
“I just need to be more patient or understanding.”

The truth is, these highs and lows create confusion. The brain interprets this emotional rollercoaster as connection. Instead of safety and security, your nervous system becomes addicted to the chaos. The love you long for becomes entangled with fear, guilt, and hope for change.
Signs You Might Be Trauma-BondedYou may be in a trauma bond if:

You feel loyal to someone who repeatedly hurts you.
You justify or minimize their harmful behavior.
You isolate from loved ones to protect the relationship.
You constantly hope things will go back to how they were in the beginning.
You feel stuck, dependent, or powerless to leave.

This bond is not rooted in true love—it’s rooted in survival, fear, and unmet emotional needs.
The Cycle of AbuseTrauma bonds often develop in cycles:

Tension builds – Walking on eggshells, fearing a blow-up.
Abuse occurs – Verbal, emotional, physical, or spiritual harm.
Reconciliation – Apologies, affection, “I’ll never do it again.”
Honeymoon phase – Things feel better… until the cycle begins again.

This cycle can feel like love—but it’s not. Real love doesn’t come with emotional whiplash.
Why It’s So Hard to LeavePeople often ask, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” But the answer isn’t simple. Trauma bonds create deep emotional confusion and even chemical attachment in the brain—especially when mixed with past childhood wounds or abandonment trauma.
You may feel:

Afraid of being alone
Unworthy of healthy love
Responsible for the other person’s behavior
Ashamed or embarrassed to reach out for help

But friend, God never designed love to hurt like this. His heart is for you to walk in truth, safety, and freedom—not bondage.

A Biblical Lens on Trauma BondsTrauma bonding counterfeits what God designed. It mimics intimacy but lacks the fruit of the Spirit: gentleness, peace, self-control, kindness.

The Bible says:
“Love does no harm to a neighbor.” – Romans 13:10

“For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest.” – Luke 8:17

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” – 2 Corinthians 3:17

God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). If a relationship is full of fear, anxiety, and manipulation, it’s not love—it’s bondage. And Jesus came to set the captives free (Luke 4:18).

Healing Begins With TruthThe first step to healing from a trauma bond is to name it. The enemy thrives in secrecy, but freedom begins when we walk in the light.

If this blog resonates with you, you’re not alone. You are not crazy, overly sensitive, or weak. You’re likely trauma-bonded. And there is hope for healing. You don’t have to stay stuck in toxic cycles. God has better for you.

A Prayer for the Brokenhearted “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3

Lord, I lift up every woman and man reading this who feels trapped in a painful relationship. I pray you would open their eyes to see truth and give them strength to walk toward healing. Break the chains of fear, shame, and confusion. Speak love and courage over their hearts. Show them they are deeply worthy of real, Christ-centered love. Amen.

🕊️ Need help breaking free?
We offer trauma-informed, Christ-centered counseling through The Balm of Gilead Ministries. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Reach out. We’re here to walk with you.

📩 Visit: www.thebalmofgilead.co
📱 Follow us on Instagram: @thebalmofgilead
📖 More blog posts: [Rooted Hope Blog]

Heal So You Don’t Bleed on Those Who Didn’t Cut You

Sometimes we can feel like we’re being strong and doing the best thing we can do by ignoring some of the hurts we’ve been blown. That, if we just get over it and never give that person or what they did a second glance or thought, it will be done with, and we’ll just, move on. But the reality is, things have wounded us don’t just go away, but end up sitting there, deep down in our hearts, and eventually end up seeping into the relationships we have now, cutting the people closest to us in areas of THEIR heart, all because we didn’t allow God to heal the wounds we took in our own.

There’s a reason why you snap at your significant other sometimes, when they didn’t do anything to warrant it.
There’s a reason you might have trust issues with those closest to you, when they’ve given you absolutely no reason to have them.

There’s a reason why sometimes you feel so down, when you have so many reasons around you to be up.

There’s a reason why you don’t want to be intimate with your husband, when he is everything you hoped for, and the man you dearly prayed for.

There’s a reason for it all, friend. And it starts with you, going back, and addressing whats been done and what you’ve gone through, so you can give it to God, and then allow the healing hand of Jesus to come in and heal and transform you.

Because God didn’t allow all that’s been done to hurt you and the relationships you are in, but to grow you, and draw you that much closer to Him, so you can shine even brighter, and reflect even more of Him. So don’t let your pain be a tool for the enemy. Let God use it to bring healing and Him, that much more glory.
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Find what’s been done, friend. Address it. And then heal from it, so your relationships won’t keep suffering because of it. 💕🙏🏼🙌🏼
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Sarah Jean Armstrong

It’s Not About You

People we love and care about sometimes mistreat us, say unkind things to us or about us, verbally or physically abuse us, neglect, ignore, betray, reject, or abandon us. Our first reaction is almost always to personalize it. Please understand that people’s negative behaviors are not about us and everything to do with what is going on inside of them. We cannot react by taking ownership of their negative junk when they act out of their own unhealthy patterns that we are not responsible for. It will not only hurt us deeply but make us believe lies that affect how we see ourselves.

What we can do is take ownership and responsibility for our own junk, ask for forgiveness when applicable, and impose healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from allowing their actions to hurt us physically, spiritually, or emotionally. That just gives unhealthy people way too much power in our lives. And last time I checked, only God is allowed to have that kind of authority in our lives.

We can’t make people’s problems our problems. When we do that, they own us! Causing us to lose sight of who we are because we are so caught up in them and their drama. They will live rent free in our heads and consume us. And that only leads to bitterness, anger and resentments robbing us of our joy, peace and sanity. You are worth so much more.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4:23

Who Or What Controls Your Emotions?

Who or what controls your emotions? Is it you, someone or something that happen to you? The book of Proverbs warns, “Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it flows the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Behaviors that bind that hurt self and others start early in life. Many people, even in the best of homes, are living on “leftovers” – emotions and attitudes left over from the way they were raised.

For instance, those who as children felt they could never measure up to expectations are likely to experience feelings of inadequacy, rejection, shame, and guilt as adults; they may also deal with resentment and hostility.

And grown people who walk away from responsibility or commitments when they don’t get their way are frequently the ones whose parents caved into their every desire. This is why it’s so hurtful to give in to children’s temper tantrums and demands. They learn the world is their oyster and grow to be demanding, entitled, selfish, self-centered adults.

Those who struggle with low self-worth or low self-esteem are often a byproduct of lack of childhood acceptance and affirmation. It’s important for children to learn they are of tremendous value to parents but most importantly their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Their sense of security should come, not from possessions, whether they are “good” or “bad’ but from a personal relationship with Him that says they are valued and loved for who they are no matter what. Otherwise, as adults, they may operate out of shame instead of the precious gift of God’s never-ending grace.

“Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

Colossians 3:21

…having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

Abuse Takes Many Forms

Often people don’t realize they are being abused because movies depict the most terrorizing physical images that don’t line up with their experience. But abuse takes many forms and shapes, leaving those in the situation confused, unsure of themselves, living in shame, and walking on eggshells to not set the person off.

Each family member takes on a role, in order to cope:

• the family hero rises above the reputation and devastation with awards and accomplishments.

• the quiet one stays in their room and doesn’t engage often.

• the problem child becomes the one everyone blames.

• the enabler centers their whole life around the abuser, addict, etc. trying to fix and control them

• the counselor tries to comfort and distract the family from the issues

The ways we survived as a child, we take into adulthood unless there has been some sort of intervention. This is where life gets tricky because in healthy situations or relationships our roles don’t fit without some kind of conflict. We get confused, frustrated, etc. because healthy people don’t respond to our roles in the way they use to serve us. Eventually we get help and draw close to God whose love and grace flood into those very vulnerable and broken places. Our hearts become transformed.

Unfortunately we often attract the very relationships we prayed to get out of because our roles work in the dysfunctional and the cycle now begins to repeat itself sadly. Many people are unable to see their way out of these cycles and keep going back into them, like attracts like. If you are in an abusive situation, there is help.

Cycles of abuse are hard to break, it’s hard work, but it’s worth it 🙏 God is able to break the lies you believe and once the lies are replaced with his truth, our behaviors change.

“Therefore, brothers and sisters, in view of the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your true worship. Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:1-2

Niki Chiles

When People Push Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries is such a sign of growth and God working in our lives, and if anyone ever pushes back, man oh man, well then they were someone the boundary was obviously needed for. When we realize our worth, who we are in Jesus, and what behaviors we are to allow and not allow, we will start drawing a line in the sand and begin to not be okay with behaviors that we once welcomed. If someone isn’t happy with you making them, or starts making you feel guilty because of them, or telling you that “you have changed” because of them, it is a pretty good sign you should start making a clean break from them.

Friends, we are sons and daughters of the Most High! We might have not known who we were in Christ growing up, even as Christians, but God is available now to tear down all the lies spoken into your life that made you think you deserved the behavior you were or are taking, pour Truth IN, and build you back so marvelously in HIM. People who verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse do it because a) they have deep seeded issues from their own life that has caused them to act this way, and b) because people have allowed them to continue to act this way, and friends, it stops with us. We can’t allow people to continue on in this behavior. It not only hurts us and God working in our own life, but it prevents God exposing the sin in other people’s life. He is after not just our heart, but theirs, too. He doesn’t just want to heal ours, but theirs, too. And sometimes, our boundaries are the very thing that wakes people up, and shows them their behavior isn’t okay, in our lives, or in God’s eyes.
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So if you are in situations or a relationship where you know you need to grow in this area, praise God, friend, because that is Him working and revealing that to you. We only know what we know, and sometimes, it takes a while to realize what we endure or are surrounded by just isn’t normal. So, invite God in. Get to know who you are in Him, and allow Him to give you strength in Him so you can put boundaries between you and them. And if you’ve made boundaries, and someone is pushing back, push them right out the door. Because they ain’t welcome here any more! 🙅🏼‍♀️

There Is Freedom In Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a priority…it is a true expression of agape love and it honors God.

Understanding forgiveness is key and leads us to experience the fearless freedom it offers.

Forgiveness is not minimizing, excusing, or agreeing with the offense. We must see sin for what it is and recognize who the true offender is. Remember, our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual wickedness in high places…against the author of anger, fear, frustration, hurt, pain, sin and confusion.
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Separating the sin from the sinner opens up our heart to forgiveness of our fellow human beings…it allows God to shed His Healing Light and Truth on the stronghold of the offense…and the darkness loses its power.
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Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. Jehovah IS Holy and He calls us to holiness. He also calls us to guard our hearts. There are certain relationships and circumstances that we should not expose ourselves to because they are not born of The Holy Spirit. We can forgive the offense…love and pray for the sinner…but must diligently separate ourselves from sin.
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If we seek God and His truth…listen to the whisper of The Holy Spirit…He will enable us to forgive others and ourselves…lead us to the people, places and situations that He ordains, according to His purpose.

We have certainly all sinned and fall short of God’s glory. But, as believers, we are to be imitators of Christ. And if we make forgiveness a priority, we will indeed experience peace, healing, wholeness and freedom…and honor Him with a clean heart.

Matthew 6:14
For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive any complaint you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Proverbs 4:23
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

The Hardened Heart of Self Protection

A deep wound, a broken heart, disappointments, bitterness, and unforgiveness can cause the heart to become hardened with time. It causes us to put up walls. Our defenses go up. We self-protect, and we don’t let anyone in including God.

Self-protection leaves us running on reserve and is the cause of intimacy issues and conflict in relationships. It seems that it’s easier to be hard than soft and vulnerable because we don’t want to get hurt. But you were not created to live that way. God made you to be tender and responsive.

It’s hard to shape stone. As long as your heart remains hard, you will miss out on the abundant life Jesus came to give. So let the living God come into your heart, heal your wounds and tear down your self-protection and defenses.

The amplified version of Ezekiel 11:16 says “And I will give them one heart, a new heart, and I will put a new Spirit within them, and I will take the stony, unnatural hardened heart out and give them a heart of flesh, sensitive and responsive to the touch of their God.”

Give your hurts to the Lord. Let God shape you. When you do that…He will leave His fingerprints all over your heart.