It’s Not About You

People we love and care about sometimes mistreat us, say unkind things to us or about us, verbally or physically abuse us, neglect, ignore, betray, reject, or abandon us. Our first reaction is almost always to personalize it. Please understand that people’s negative behaviors are not about us and everything to do with what is going on inside of them. We cannot react by taking ownership of their negative junk when they act out of their own unhealthy patterns that we are not responsible for. It will not only hurt us deeply but make us believe lies that affect how we see ourselves.

What we can do is take ownership and responsibility for our own junk, ask for forgiveness when applicable, and impose healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from allowing their actions to hurt us physically, spiritually, or emotionally.  That just gives unhealthy people way too much power in our lives. And last time I checked, only God is allowed to have that kind of authority in our lives.

We can’t make people’s problems our problems. When we do that, they own us! Causing us to lose sight of who we are because we are so caught up in them and their drama. They will live rent free in our heads and consume us. And that only leads to bitterness, anger and resentments robbing us of our joy, peace and sanity.  You are worth so much more.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4:23

Who Or What Controls Your Emotions?

Who or what controls your emotions? Is it you, someone or something that happen to you? The book of Proverbs warns, “Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it flows the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Behaviors that bind that hurt self and others start early in life. Many people, even in the best of homes, are living on “leftovers” – emotions and attitudes left over from the way they were raised.

For instance, those who as children felt they could never measure up to expectations are likely to experience feelings of inadequacy, rejection, shame, and guilt as adults; they may also deal with resentment and hostility.

And grown people who walk away from responsibility or commitments when they don’t get their way are frequently the ones whose parents caved into their every desire. This is why it’s so hurtful to give in to children’s temper tantrums and demands. They learn the world is their oyster and grow to be demanding, entitled, selfish, self-centered adults.

Those who struggle with low self-worth or low self-esteem are often a byproduct of lack of childhood acceptance and affirmation. It’s important for children to learn they are of tremendous value to parents but most importantly their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Their sense of security should come, not from possessions, whether they are “good” or “bad’ but from a personal relationship with Him that says they are valued and loved for who they are no matter what. Otherwise, as adults, they may operate out of shame instead of the precious gift of God’s never-ending grace.

“Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

Colossians 3:21

…having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.


Abuse Takes Many Forms

Often people don’t realize they are being abused because movies depict the most terrorizing physical images that  don’t line up with their experience.  But abuse takes many forms and shapes, leaving those in the situation confused, unsure of themselves, living in shame, and walking on eggshells to not set the person off.

Each family member takes on a role, in order to cope:

• the family hero rises above the reputation and devastation with awards and accomplishments.

• the quiet one stays in their room and doesn’t engage often.

• the problem child becomes the one everyone blames.

• the enabler centers their whole life around the abuser, addict, etc. trying to fix and control them

• the counselor tries to comfort and distract the family from the issues

The ways we survived as a child, we take into adulthood unless there has been some sort of intervention.  This is where life gets tricky because in healthy situations or relationships our roles don’t fit without some kind of conflict.  We get confused, frustrated, etc. because healthy people don’t respond to our roles in the way they use to serve us.  Eventually we get help and draw close to God whose love and grace flood into those very vulnerable and broken places.  Our hearts become transformed.

Unfortunately we often attract the very relationships we prayed to get out of because our roles work in the dysfunctional and the cycle now begins to repeat itself sadly.  Many people are unable to see their way out of these cycles and keep going back into them, like attracts like.  If you are in an abusive situation, there is help.

Cycles of abuse are hard to break, it’s hard work, but it’s worth it 🙏 God is able to break the lies you believe and once the lies are replaced with his truth, our behaviors change.

“Therefore, brothers and sisters, in view of the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your true worship. Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:1-2

Niki Chiles

When People Push Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries is such a sign of growth and God working in our lives, and if anyone ever pushes back, man oh man, well then they were someone the boundary was obviously needed for. When we realize our worth, who we are in Jesus, and what behaviors we are to allow and not allow, we will start drawing a line in the sand and begin to not be okay with behaviors that we once welcomed. If someone isn’t happy with you making them, or starts making you feel guilty because of them, or telling you that “you have changed” because of them, it is a pretty good sign you should start making a clean break from them.

Friends, we are sons and daughters of the Most High! We might have not known who we were in Christ growing up, even as Christians, but God is available now to tear down all the lies spoken into your life that made you think you deserved the behavior you were or are taking, pour Truth IN, and build you back so marvelously in HIM. People who verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse do it because a) they have deep seeded issues from their own life that has caused them to act this way, and b) because people have allowed them to continue to act this way, and friends, it stops with us. We can’t allow people to continue on in this behavior. It not only hurts us and God working in our own life, but it prevents God exposing the sin in other people’s life. He is after not just our heart, but theirs, too. He doesn’t just want to heal ours, but theirs, too. And sometimes, our boundaries are the very thing that wakes people up, and shows them their behavior isn’t okay, in our lives, or in God’s eyes.

So if you are in situations or a relationship where you know you need to grow in this area, praise God, friend, because that is Him working and revealing that to you. We only know what we know, and sometimes, it takes a while to realize what we endure or are surrounded by just isn’t normal. So, invite God in. Get to know who you are in Him, and allow Him to give you strength in Him so you can put boundaries between you and them. And if you’ve made boundaries, and someone is pushing back, push them right out the door. Because they ain’t welcome here any more! 🙅🏼‍♀️

There Is Freedom In Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a priority…it is a true expression of agape love and it honors God.

Understanding forgiveness is key and leads us to experience the fearless freedom it offers.

Forgiveness is not minimizing, excusing, or agreeing with the offense. We must see sin for what it is and recognize who the true offender is. Remember, our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual wickedness in high places…against the author of anger, fear, frustration, hurt, pain, sin and confusion.
Separating the sin from the sinner opens up our heart to forgiveness of our fellow human beings…it allows God to shed His Healing Light and Truth on the stronghold of the offense…and the darkness loses its power.
Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. Jehovah IS Holy and He calls us to holiness. He also calls us to guard our hearts. There are certain relationships and circumstances that we should not expose ourselves to because they are not born of The Holy Spirit. We can forgive the offense…love and pray for the sinner…but must diligently separate ourselves from sin.
If we seek God and His truth…listen to the whisper of The Holy Spirit…He will enable us to forgive others and ourselves…lead us to the people, places and situations that He ordains, according to His purpose.

We have certainly all sinned and fall short of God’s glory. But, as believers, we are to be imitators of Christ. And if we make forgiveness a priority, we will indeed experience peace, healing, wholeness and freedom…and honor Him with a clean heart.

Matthew 6:14
For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive any complaint you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Proverbs 4:23
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

The Hardened Heart of Self Protection


A deep  wound, a broken heart, disappointments, bitterness, and unforgiveness can cause the heart to become hardened with time. It causes us to put up walls. Our defenses go up. We self-protect, and we don’t let anyone in including God.

Self-protection leaves us running on reserve and is the cause of intimacy issues and conflict in relationships. It seems that it’s easier to be hard than soft and vulnerable because we don’t want to get hurt. But you were not created to live that way. God made you to be tender and responsive.

It’s hard to shape stone. As long as your heart remains hard, you will miss out on the abundant life Jesus came to give. So let the living God come into your heart, heal your wounds and tear down your self-protection and defenses.

The amplified version of Ezekiel 11:16 says “And I will give them one heart, a new heart, and I will put a new Spirit within them, and I will take the stony, unnatural hardened heart out and give them a heart of flesh, sensitive and responsive to the touch of their God.”

Give your hurts to the Lord. Let God shape you. When you do that…He will leave His fingerprints all over your heart.

When Should You Confront Someone?


When Should We Confront Others?Many times in life, we hear things about people; and we have a choice:  talk about them or go to them.The problem is: going to them makes us feel uncomfortable.  We have images of high school head-to-head battle of hormones.Here’s some helpful guidance on when and how you should go to someone:• When someone is in danger.  God opposes abusive behavior whether it’s self-inflicted or done by others. [Prov.24:11-12]• When a relationship is threatened.  You need to confront, when necessary; to preserve the relationship. [Phil.4:2-3]• When division exists in a group.  God charges us to guard and protect our relationships.  It takes work.  Focus on the goal of working together, forgiving, and grace.  Learn each others styles. [Rom.14:-9]• When someone sins against you. [Mt.18:15]• When someone sins [Ezekiel 3:18]• When others are offended and it’s contaminating the group, others, etc. People are being taken advantage of, misguided, etc. [Gal.2:11-13]❤️Always test your heart before you approach someone.  If your heart isn’t in the right place…to reveal truth in love and seek common ground…it’s not the time or you may not be the right person.  See my other post about what is confrontation and what it’s not.HOW are we supposed to go to someone?1. Confront alone [Mt.18:15]2. Confront with witnesses [Mt.18:16]3. Confront before leadership [Mt.18:17]I say leadership because when these verses were written; the church body was not like what we see today.⚠️ the problem that we see often, is that people take it right to the top, and that gets this thing out of order.  Instead of the idea of confrontation as a part of building the body of Christ it feels instead like persecution without trial.📕 June Hunt

The Most Dangerous lies Are the One We Tell Ourselves

Because with these lies, often you don’t even realize it you’re doing it. And just like with any sin, when you do it so much, you eventually get desensitized to it, losing sight of where you are because of it, and eventually, losing sight of how much you’re slowly changing because of it. Yes, we lie to ourselves a lot, primarily, to justify why we do what we do. Lies like, “My pornography doesn’t hurt anyone…”, “Well, they deserved it”, “I don’t drink that much…”, “We’re just friends”, “I deserve this”…”I’m not hurting anyone”…”I can stop any time”..or “I don’t even care.” Oh, Yes, to me, this is the most dangerous kind of lying. These are the lies that the enemy uses to lock you farther away into darkness, turn you against yourself, God, and others, and if you allow it to continue, separate you farther and farther from the Truth — Jesus.

So I want to ask you, friend, as I asked myself in writing this, are you lying to yourself about certain things? What have you been telling yourself lately? Or over and over again, where you now, almost believe it? Where you would almost get nervous or upset if someone else knew or questioned you about it? What do you KNOW you need to be truthful about, and bring to light? What do you need to let go of, that you just know isn’t right? Maybe it’s something that you just need to bring to God, that you haven’t. Maybe it’s something you need to look in the mirror and tell yourself, or perhaps another person. Whatever it is friend, don’t become callous to it. Don’t allow the enemy to put you in that hardened place, where you begin to change from the inside out because of it.

We can lie to ourselves for many reasons, but I think the biggest one is that we know we need to change some things, but we just don’t know how to start. But God does. HE knows the way out. He has the power, wisdom, and love, to SHOW you the way out. But it starts with you. It starts with inviting Him in. And allowing the Truth to seep in, so He can free you from the lies that the enemy has kept you in.

God has the keys, friend. You just have to open the door and turn on the lights.



Let It Go!

It’s not worth holding onto. Words said, actions done. You bringing it up over and over again. Whatever it is, God saw it all and when you realize that it isn’t up to you to make someone see how much they hurt you, or punish them for what they did to you, you can truly release what’s been done and then go to God and ask Him for His guidance and help on what you should do. Maybe it’s simply to forgive them, because they just had a hard day, and it was more about them, than you. Maybe He tells you it’s time to remove them from your life because the relationship isn’t a healthy one, or a Godly one, and He doesn’t want them to continually keep hurting you. Whatever it is, whatever was said or done, it doesn’t define you, and so there is no use holding onto it, like it does, and making it a part of you. Holding on to it, thinking that you NEED to. You don’t. It’s done. It’s over. So, now it’s your turn, to do what YOU need to do to quit letting things affect you like they have, and it’s you who needs to realize that there’s so much more going on behind what’s been done or said.

We ALL make mistakes. We ALL have bad days. And sometimes, that’s all it was. A bad day for someone that escalated and got much worse, and they truly just need forgiveness and grace. Or sometimes, it was a nudge from God to wake up, realize you need to make some decisions about this person, bury the hatch, and get out of the same thoughts and situation you’ve been continually sitting in every day.

Either way, it’s time to let it go, friend. We ain’t got time to be holding onto words and things done to us that are only taking up space in our hearts, and the freedom that comes from forgiving people, moving on, and releasing what’s been done, is truly how we see more of God, and more of HIS unending grace, which is what we ALL don’t deserve, but still receive, every, single, day.

Holding on to it isn’t helping one bit. It’s time to deal with it, move on from it, and then, let it go of it.


Emotions & Your Thoughts

Emotions are tied to our thought life. Have you ever stepped back and listened to your thoughts? Have you been surprised by them and wondered where they were coming from? In his book ‚Wild at Heart,‛ John Eldredge wrote, ‚We are being lied to all the time. Yet, we never stop to say, ‘Wait a minute who else is speaking here? Where are these ideas coming from? Where are these feelings coming from?‛
Satan is at war with God’s children. He is a crafty one and a deceiver and, he knows if he were to show up as a dark, scary figure, with a pitchfork, we would immediately flee, sensing danger. So, instead, he uses our fears, hurts, and insecurities to influence us through our thought life. He knows that if he can control our minds, he can control our behavior and, what is his most used weapon to do so? Lies! When we believe Satan’s lies, rather than God’s truth, it leads to faulty ways of thinking and wrong behaviors that enslave our souls. The only defense we have to protect our minds from being lost in the darkness of lies, is the truth: the inerrant Word of God.
God’s word gives a detailed combat strategy for defeating the enemy. We are to pull down strongholds (rooted lies) and bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Simply put, we must replace Satan’s lies with God’s truth. If your thoughts are telling you that you are not good enough that you are unworthy that you are ugly that you will always live in fear that you will never heal or that you will always live in bondage, stop for one moment and ask yourself, ‛Whose voice am I hearing? Who is it that is telling me that?‛
God’s word tells us that Jesus is the Good Shepherd and His sheep hear His voice and His voice protects them from the thief who wants to destroy them. Our beloved Savior would never harm His sheep by speaking such lies. If you hear that you will never amount to anything, that’s a lie from the enemy choose, instead, to listen to your Shepherd who says, ‘For I know the thoughts I have towards you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to bring you a future and a hope‛ (Jeremiah 29:11). The enemy is a liar and cannot stand against God’s truth.