Our Need for Love

Stop Expecting People to be Like You

Stop expecting people to respond like you, behave like you, or do things like you. When you stop expecting these things from people, you’ll stop being disappointed with people and be free to love them where they’re at, for who they are, and who God created them to be. And it’s FREEING. You don’t hang on their words or responses. You aren’t waiting for the response that you think any “normal” person would give. You get to just, expect nothing. Need nothing in return. And love people.

We are all different, we all handle things different, we are all wired different, we have all lived through things that make us see things differently. Yeah, some people are more dysfunctional, yes, some people are odd, and some more…difficult, but always looking for people to respond a certain way or see things the way you see it is only setting you up to be constantly disappointed with them, life, God, and whatever else comes your way that you just don’t agree with. It’s really hard to live with or around someone who expects you to be someone you’re not. It’s really nice to be around someone who accepts you for all you are, and roots for you as you work to grow and change. It’s exhausting to be around someone where you feel like the way you respond is always just, wrong. It’s really incredible to be around someone who is full of acceptance, life, and makes it easy to be yourself. We have to remember, great expectations lead to great disappointments. Every time.

Make it your goal to just, love people, and accept them and who they are. People’s responses to things tells a story. It’s a piece of who they are. We will get so blessed by people when all expectations are taken off them. You might not always like what people have to say, but sometimes, you will be blown away by what they say. And God will use it so powerfully in your life. But it only happens when you stop expecting so much, and start accepting more. And choose to stop pushing people out the door who don’t think or act like you.

Let’s stop expecting people to be like us. God created us 100% uniquely for a reason. And I think that is pretty darn special and awesome.

Sarah Jean Armstrong

Rejection & Trusting God’s Love

People who grew up in a home where the seed of rejection was planted have a difficult time trusting God. They transfer the negative characteristics of their caregivers unto God believing that they will never measure up, are not worthy to be loved, and are convinced that God would never approve of them.

If their earthly father rejected them, or if their mother was untrustworthy, if people in authority who were supposed to love and protect them hurt them, then God will reject them and is untrustworthy. That is a lie.

God wants to replace the lies that were planted and replant the word of truth into your soul.

Get to know God’s character and His immense love for you through His word. Claim God’s promises for your life. The heart of your Heavenly Father is for you to know the truth so that you will be set free.

“ I have loved you with an everlasting love.” Jeremiah 31:3

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.”
1 John 3:3

“Moreover, I will make My dwelling among you, and My soul will not reject you.”
Leviticus 26:11

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37-39

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Insecurity & Relationships

Love is the answer to all our insecurity and relational issues. When we accept God’s love, we can recognize our tremendous value and worth in Him and in turn recognize others’ value. But because of our past wounds and experiences, we are often unable to accept God’s love, and it leaves us struggling with insecurities. Insecurity is a big culprit in how we get along with others.

When we are insecure, we easily become threatened by others and find it hard to honestly esteem others with the value and significance they deserve as God’s beloved children. Women especially suffer in record numbers with insecurities and low self-esteem. Even in the church, women silently suffer from feelings of being less than.

When you begin to grasp God’s great love for you, and that reality goes from your head to your heart, you will become convinced that you should honor others with that same amazing love.

If you are struggling with insecure thoughts and feelings of worthless, spend time soaking in God’s love for you. Scripture tells us that we love God because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). Despite the lies the enemy has made you believe about your value and worth that is hindering your ability to love and be loved, when you go to the source of love, He will remove every barrier hindering your ability to receive His love. Then you will be able to fulfill our Christian calling to “Love God with all your soul, heart and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. “(Mathew 22:37) We cannot give what we don’t have.

As God washes you with His word, He will fill you with His thoughts and truths and equip you for loving others because you will understand the very nature and depth of His love.

Don’t Settle for the Counterfeit

He lies, you cry. He’s not sorry but says he is. He promises not to do it again, he does. You complain. He doesn’t change. Yet you continue to allow him to hurt you. Often going back and forth from feeling hopeful to despair, living life contingent on what he is doing or not doing.

Your emotions are at the mercy of whatever is going on with him, and you’re always hoping that he changes and starts to love you how you need to be loved. You might even be convinced that if he would just change, then you would be okay. That could not be further from the truth. No human being should ever have that kind of power and control over you, especially an emotionally unhealthy one.

God’s word says, “A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet” Proverbs 27:7. Modern translation? Bad love is better than no love at all.

When we don’t know our value and worth in Christ, it is almost a certainty that we have not experienced the love of God that fills the void, fully satisfies the longing heart, and makes us feel accepted and complete in Him. So instead, we go looking for it in all the wrong places, in all the wrong people, and in all the wrong things.

You are God’s beloved. His precious jewel. Your precious Savior wants you to know your value and worth in Him, and experience the fullness of His love for you so you stop allowing others to hurt and mistreat His beloved child, and stop trying to get your need for love met elsewhere. Only God’s love satisfies. You are loved beyond measure. Stop settling for the counterfeit.
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Love That Satisfies

We were born with a deep craving for love. Every human being if they were honest wants to be loved and accepted. We are looking for unfailing love. Love that says you are precious, valued, and have great worth. It’s a need put there by the One who created us.
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The heart craves unwavering, unconditional, radical, deep, intimate, tender, affectionate, expansive, healthy and satisfying love. We are not wrong to desire this kind of love, but we are wrong to think we can find it in anyone else than in the heart of God.
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When children are not modeled unconditional love, they grow up searching for it. As adults, they are like walking empty voids begging to be filled. Where there is a void, it’s going to be filled with something even if it’s destructive. Often when we have never experienced healthy love, we will settle for the counterfeit often allowing people to hurt and mistreat us for fear of losing what we have redefined as love.
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When we look to others to be the source of unfailing love it’s not only futile it’s destructive, extremely disappointing, and emotionally painful. God’s love sets us free. The counterfeit suffocates and enslaves us spiritually and emotionally.
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The good news is that God doesn’t take away our need for love. He satisfies it the right way. Don’t settle for anything else.
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“For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things.” Psalm 107:9

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Fear of Rejection

It’s been said that if you live for the acceptance of others, you will die from their rejection. If your sense of self-worth is based on the approval of others, your value is at the mercy of what others think about you. Your identity, who you are, how you see yourself is determined by how others see you and respond to you.
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In our brokenness, we tend to give people a lot of power. People on the outside control my thoughts, feelings, and my will. They own me. I don’t know who I am, and I live in fear of failing to meet their approval and being rejected.
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We need to give our fear of rejection over to the Lord. He created us and established our worth. When we let His love pour into us, we learn to trust Him, and He will turn our fear into faith, and we will find full acceptance in the arms of our precious Savior.
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If you believe that you may be living for the approval of others, evaluate the following statements and see if you identify with any of them.
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”I am not good enough.”
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“I have to try harder.”
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“I have to earn love.’
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“I flatter people so they will like me.”
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“I have to be perfect.”
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“I always feel less than.”
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“I know what I think is not important.”
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“I know that I am not likable.”
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“I never feel like I belong.”
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“I don’t measure up.”
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If you can relate to any of the above chances are that there is a deep root of rejection driving your need for approval and acceptance from others. Please understand that just because you have been rejected in the past, you don’t have to walk in fear that you will be rejected again by others. We can be so crippled by the fear of being rejected that without realizing it we can push others away, or create situations where we will be rejected fulfilling a self-imposed prophecy which causes us to continue to believe lies about ourselves and feel alone and rejected.

You Complete Me

“You complete me.” Who can forget this famous line from the movie, Jerry Mcguirre with Tom Cruise that had the hearts of women young and old going pitter-patter bursting with the intoxicating idea of romantic, fairy tale love? As romantic and beautiful as that scene was, it is not real. Truth be told looking for another person to complete you is wrong. Not to mention it is not emotionally or spiritually healthy. Why? Because we are all desperately flawed, and people will fail us. But there is One who is without flaw and is able to complete us. “You have been made complete in Christ.” Colossians 2:10

If you’re looking for anyone or anything to fill and complete you other than Jesus, you will be let down, disappointed and blame others for your unhappiness. That’s because at the root what you are really looking for is to be loved and accepted, and only the love of God can fill the yearning in our hearts for love and acceptance that fills us completely.

God’s word says “You have been accepted in the beloved.” Ephesians 1:6 Complete acceptance of who we only come when we can see ourselves through the eyes of Jesus – Loved, accepted, chosen, adopted, forgiven, redeemed! Don’t set others up for failure to do what only God is able to do. You will live with constant disappointment. If you feel less than and think you don’t measure up get to the root! Live in the fullness of His love.

Emotions That Bind

Who or what controls your emotions? Is it you, someone or something that happen to you? The book of Proverbs warns, “Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it flows the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Behaviors that bind that hurt self and others start early in life. Many people, even in the best of homes, are living on “leftovers” – emotions and attitudes left over from the way they were raised.

For instance, those who as children felt they could never measure up to expectations are likely to experience feelings of inadequacy, rejection, shame, and guilt as adults; they may also deal with resentment and hostility.

And grown people who walk away from responsibility or commitments when they don’t get their way are frequently the ones whose parents caved into their every desire. This is why it’s so hurtful to give in to children’s temper tantrums and demands. They learn the world is their oyster and grow to be demanding, entitled, selfish, self-centered adults.

Those who struggle with low self-worth or low self-esteem are often a byproduct of lack of childhood acceptance and affirmation. It’s important for children to learn they are of tremendous value to parents but most importantly their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Their sense of security should come, not from possessions, whether they are “good” or “bad” but from a personal relationship with Him that says they are valued and loved for who they are no matter what. Otherwise, as adults, they may operate out of shame instead of the precious gift of God’s never-ending grace.

“Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

Colossians 3:21

Profile of An Enabler

Enablers are people that may appear to be extremely strong, independent and self-sufficient, but are in reality often very needy, insecure and in need of acceptance. This need for security and approval results in a strong sense of responsibility for others, dependence on people, people pleasing and performance. It also results in compromising morals, values, and beliefs. As well as condoning sin. Enabling someone’s sin is the same as indirectly taking part in that sin, and 1 Timothy 5:22 says, “Do not participate in the sins of others.”

Below are some characteristics of people who are enablers.

(Think of the person that you are closely involved with, a spouse, child, parents, relative, friend, co-worker, boss, etc. and see if you identify with any of these statements).

I feel responsible for the needs, feelings, and behaviors of this person.
I try to fix their problems, even when it affects my emotional well-being.
I know their needs and feelings but don’t know my own.
I do things for this person they should and are capable of doing for themselves.
I get angry when my help is not wanted, needed, or appreciated.
I tend to come across rigid and judgmental.
I am harsher on myself than others.
I tend to deny my own feelings and needs
I feel guilty when I stand up for myself.
I find it hard to say “No.”
I feel good when I give but find it hard to receive from others.
I try hard to be perfect to avoid anger or criticism.
I look for my value and worth in the approval of others.
I find that I am attracted to needy people & they are attracted to me.
I am defensive about my relationship with this person.
I feel victimized and taken advantage of by this person.
I feel stuck in this relationship with this person.
I can’t live without this person.

If you can relate to many of these statements, it is most likely that you are engaged in a relationship where you are enabling the unhealthy behavior (sin) of another person. Interestingly enough, it may surprise you to know that you share many of same characteristics of the personality type of the people you tend to enable. More surprising to you may be finding out that enablers and those being enabled enter into the relationship with one thing in common – NEED! Both desperately need each other. Each is seeking to get a need met that each is incapable of meeting because there is only ONE who can meet our needs. Both have learned to function in an environment that is imbalanced where one is doing all the taking, and the other is doing all the giving. It has become their normal and breaking the dynamic can be extremely difficult.

But you can be free! Commit today to get help and get to the root of why you engage in relationships where you condone and encourage negative behavior by enabling. There is nothing that our God cannot do with a willing and surrendered heart.

Healthy Love

People in love engage in healthy mutually satisfying give and take relationships. They want the best for each other and bring out the best in each other. They know that love requires sacrifice from time to time and they know what it means to die to self. They don’t expect the other person to fulfill all their needs because they understand that no human being is even capable of doing that only God can. Only His love truly satisfies. People in love are emotionally healthy individuals who find their value and worth in Christ alone not looking to others for self-worth and identity. True love brings forth life and grows deeper and stronger with time.

People in need operate out of a brokenness not wholeness. They attach themselves to unhealthy people who they think have the power to meet their desperate need for love, security, and significance. But because brokenness attracts brokenness they tend to draw emotionally unavailable people, who are often abusive, struggling with addictions or have an array of other issues, who do more taking than giving and are incapable of meeting even the basic of needs required for a healthy relationship. This causes a lot of pain and heartache and brings forth death and destruction resulting in extremely toxic and unhealthy relationships that only get worse with time. And yes! Even Christians can operate out of need instead of love. The church is full of hurting people involved in unhealthy relationships.

Are you in love or are you in need? If you are in the latter, understand that relationships will not work until you start operation out love. Sadly many Christians don’t truly understand what love is because they have never been modeled it, never have experienced it. They don’t know their value and worth as a precious child of God because their basic human need for love was not met growing up. So they take matters into their own hands and like the song says go searching for love in all the wrong places and settle for the counterfeit version that never satisfies.
Oswald Chambers wrote – “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.” The love of God has the power to change us from the inside out. But there is a marked difference between knowing about the love of God and receiving it into our hearts. It is only when we truly encounter and accept the authentic, undefiled Agape love of our Savior that we are then able to “Love the Lord with all our hearts, soul, mind, and strength and love others as ourselves.” (Mark 12:30). This is the key to engaging in healthy mutually satisfying relationships. It’s the biblical formula that has the power to heal and transform and empower us to engage in love based not need based relationships.