When Helping Is Hurting

 

When someone is caught up in the throes of addiction, they are in bondage. They have lost the ability to stop using altogether. Family members of loved ones trapped in the cycle and the roller coaster of addiction do not comprehend the insanity of addiction. They honestly believe that if their loved one cared about their family, they would stop.  Since they don’t understand the dynamics of addiction, they think they can shame, guilt, manipulate, threaten, or bribe someone into quitting.  What they don’t understand is that you cannot rationalize addiction. People will go insane trying to get their loved ones to stop using often caring more about the addict’s life and responsibilities than they do, and become fixated on trying to fix, change, manage and control the addicted person’s behavior. And because they think they can love someone enough for them to stop using, they often enable the bad behavior by not allowing people to suffer the consequences of their poor choices that hurt them and those around them. Thus, without realizing it, they reinforce the bad behavior and offer the person in bondage no incentive to change or seek help. This allows the addiction to continue and hinders “the bottom” necessary for getting to a sweet place of brokenness and surrender required for healing and breaking free from the bondage of addiction.

Doesn’t the Bible tell us to help the needy? Yes, but it also tells us to be wise. Often, our helping is actually hurting. But how do we know the difference?  Helping is doing something for someone else that they are not capable of doing for themselves.  Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. Enabling encourages and helps the addict to stay in addiction.

On the surface, the “enabler’ may appear to be doing all the right things and doing good things to stop the user from destroying themselves, but often the enabler needs as much help as the addicted person. The only difference is that one behavior looks very good on the surface while the other not so good. The truth is they both need help.

Make no mistake about it! Allowing someone to continue in their addiction without making them accountable for their destructive behavior is enabling, it’s destructive, and must be addressed. Because it hurts everyone involved and cosigns with the enemy to destroy families, relationships and separates us from God. Both sides need to take responsibility and be accountable for their side of the fence. What, they both have in common is an inner woundedness. There is a deeper issue causing the addiction and the enabling. The difference is that it’s harder for the enabler to see their need for help because the rooted issues do not manifest in seemingly negative behaviors shunned by the Church and society but are instead applauded as selfless acts of mercy and love. Enabling allows the addict and enabler to stay in bondage, preventing them from seeing their need for help, and the destructive cycle will continue for a lifetime without intervention.

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1)

“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness but rather expose them.” (Ephesians 5:11)

 

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

Stop Expecting People to be Like You

Stop expecting people to respond like you, behave like you, or do things like you. When you stop expecting these things from people, you’ll stop being disappointed with people and be free to love them where they’re at, for who they are, and who God created them to be. And it’s FREEING. You don’t hang on their words or responses. You aren’t waiting for the response that you think any “normal” person would give. You get to just, expect nothing. Need nothing in return. And love people.

We are all different, we all handle things different, we are all wired different, we have all lived through things that make us see things differently. Yeah, some people are more dysfunctional, yes, some people are odd, and some more…difficult, but always looking for people to respond a certain way or see things the way you see it is only setting you up to be constantly disappointed with them, life, God, and whatever else comes your way that you just don’t agree with. It’s really hard to live with or around someone who expects you to be someone you’re not. It’s really nice to be around someone who accepts you for all you are, and roots for you as you work to grow and change. It’s exhausting to be around someone where you feel like the way you respond is always just, wrong. It’s really incredible to be around someone who is full of acceptance, life, and makes it easy to be yourself. We have to remember, great expectations lead to great disappointments. Every time.

Make it your goal to just, love people, and accept them and who they are. People’s responses to things tells a story. It’s a piece of who they are. We will get so blessed by people when all expectations are taken off them. You might not always like what people have to say, but sometimes, you will be blown away by what they say. And God will use it so powerfully in your life. But it only happens when you stop expecting so much, and start accepting more. And choose to stop pushing people out the door who don’t think or act like you.

Let’s stop expecting people to be like us. God created us 100% uniquely for a reason. And I think that is pretty darn special and awesome.

Sarah Jean Armstrong

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

The Love of Jesus Heals & Transforms

We can take all the baths, go on all the vacations, and read all the books we want, but the pain, hurt, and trauma that has been pushed down and stored deep down in our hearts won’t ever go away until we finally deal with them. They will only get buried deeper and deeper, until it eventually, it becomes too much, and they start seeping out in our lives, and something in us, breaks. Until we finally cannot hold in or hide the pain anymore.

Jesus is the ONLY one who knows what we have been through. Every single thing. He is the only one who can go back with us, to each situation, and TAKE that pain FROM us. But, we have to go back. We HAVE to deal with each one. We have to acknowledge what has been done. We have to allow ourselves to FEEL the pain, and process it, to let it go and finally be free from it. 

When I went to a Christian counselor (which I highly recommend) for the first time, I didn’t think that the issues I was having had ANYTHING to do with some of the things I had been through. Like, NO clue.  But friends, all of those things WERE the reasons I was having issues!

As we go through life, starting as precious children, we get hurt, and we will do whatever we need to do to survive the pain if we aren’t taught how to deal with it in a healthy way. Some of us harden to get through. Some of us, stuff and pretend these things never happened. Some of us turn to substances and would rather live in a state of numbing than feeling.

We were never meant to live in a state of survival. We were never meant to carry the weight of what’s been done to us. That is why Jesus came. To take ALL of the sin of this world, that others have done to us, and, what WE have done to ourselves and to others. And to heal of us it. To rid us of it, and remove the imprint left on us, from it.

We don’t need any more self love or self help books. We need the love of Jesus, to go in every crevice of our heart, and heal us, from the inside out. THAT love, changes things. THAT love, heals. And THAT love, has all the power in the world, to free you all the issues you want to change. Spend your time seeking THAT love, and EVERYTHING in you, and your life, will start to change.

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

The Pain of Emotional Abuse Can Last A Lifetime

Think of a precious child. Maybe it’s your grandchild, a friend’s little boy, the little girl you teach at Sunday school whom God leads you to lavish extra love on. Now, picture someone screaming, “You’ll never amount to anything!” “I wish you had never been born!” “You’re worthless!” into their innocent little heart. It’s unimaginable that people could hurt a child in such a way. Unfortunately, it happens every day in homes across America. And the wounds in the heart of that little child can last a lifetime. Maybe that child was you long ago.

Often, because all the child knows is abuse, they will be drawn to people in adulthood who will abuse them much in the same way where control is at the forefront of the abuse. Angry threats like “If you leave me, I’ll kill you!” Or, “You and the kids won’t get a dime from me.” Both are examples of verbal and emotional abuse and are controlling tactics in abusive relationships

Abuse can also happen without a spoken word – it can be degrading looks, threatening stares, aggressive body language or other threatening behaviors. These actions are meant to inflict fear with great success, leaving the person on the receiving end with emotional pain that stunts emotional growth.

In some circles, even Christian ones, people don’t want to talk about emotions, and when they are discussed, the importance of emotional health and wholeness is minimized. Yet, we know that with deeply wounded people, negative emotions are at the center of thinking, feeling actions, and poor choices.

Emotional abuse attacks at the core of a person’s value, crushing their confidence and chips away at their self-worth, breaking their spirit in the process. God’s word says “A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries us the bones. “(Proverbs 17:22)

Stop the cycle. Seek help. God takes broken things and makes them whole. Run to the Balm of Gilead. Jesus is the balm who can heal the wounds of God’s children.

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

It’s Not About You

People we love and care about sometimes mistreat us, say unkind things to us or about us, verbally or physically abuse us, neglect, ignore, betray, reject, or abandon us. Our first reaction is almost always to personalize it. Please understand that people’s negative behaviors are not about us and everything to do with what is going on inside of them. We cannot react by taking ownership of their negative junk when they act out of their own unhealthy patterns that we are not responsible for. It will not only hurt us deeply but make us believe lies that affect how we see ourselves.

What we can do is take ownership and responsibility for our own junk, ask for forgiveness when applicable, and impose healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from allowing their actions to hurt us physically, spiritually, or emotionally.  That just gives unhealthy people way too much power in our lives. And last time I checked, only God is allowed to have that kind of authority in our lives.

We can’t make people’s problems our problems. When we do that, they own us! Causing us to lose sight of who we are because we are so caught up in them and their drama. They will live rent free in our heads and consume us. And that only leads to bitterness, anger and resentments robbing us of our joy, peace and sanity.  You are worth so much more.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4:23

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

Who Or What Controls Your Emotions?

Who or what controls your emotions? Is it you, someone or something that happen to you? The book of Proverbs warns, “Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it flows the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Behaviors that bind that hurt self and others start early in life. Many people, even in the best of homes, are living on “leftovers” – emotions and attitudes left over from the way they were raised.

For instance, those who as children felt they could never measure up to expectations are likely to experience feelings of inadequacy, rejection, shame, and guilt as adults; they may also deal with resentment and hostility.

And grown people who walk away from responsibility or commitments when they don’t get their way are frequently the ones whose parents caved into their every desire. This is why it’s so hurtful to give in to children’s temper tantrums and demands. They learn the world is their oyster and grow to be demanding, entitled, selfish, self-centered adults.

Those who struggle with low self-worth or low self-esteem are often a byproduct of lack of childhood acceptance and affirmation. It’s important for children to learn they are of tremendous value to parents but most importantly their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Their sense of security should come, not from possessions, whether they are “good” or “bad’ but from a personal relationship with Him that says they are valued and loved for who they are no matter what. Otherwise, as adults, they may operate out of shame instead of the precious gift of God’s never-ending grace.

“Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

Colossians 3:21

…having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

 

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

Your Pain Is Never Wasted

The pain of unmet needs, thoughtless words, hurtful actions, to overt abuse can linger for a lifetime manifesting in various negative, behaviors such as addiction, unhealthy relationship, and abusive patterns. These low hanging toxic fruit from our tree of life pollute everything around us stunting emotional growth.

Behind the violation and the physical pain of the trauma of abuse, there is a message that was sent to the hearts of victims that have left deep open wounds which continue to fester. These messages speak lies to us and skew beliefs about ourselves and others. These lies lead our wounded hearts to adopt faulty reactions and faulty behaviors to hide our intense hurt and build walls that act as barriers to intimacy with God. Yet the Lord lovingly uses our current struggles, failures, and our problem relationships to reveal unresolved emotional pain as God calls each one of us to account. His desire is to break down those walls of self-protection and heal our hurting hearts in order to set us free. Take a moment to meditate on the following scripture and let it resonate deeply in your hearts.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed.”
Luke 4:18

If you have found yourself the prisoner of a painful past, there is hope for your hurting heart. God’s word says…

“In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
1 Thessalonians 5:18

No trial – no abuse is wasted. Your pain doesn’t have to be pointless; it can be full of purpose. Because you know the pain of abuse you have the ability to have compassion for others who have been wounded and abused. Thank God for what He is teaching you through the very difficult situation and the pain. Allow the Lord to take your pain and turn it into a precious ministry – a ministry of compassion to comfort and exhort others who are hurting.

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

You Have To Feel To Heal

 

Many wounded believers are bound and shackled in their souls, carrying invisible scars from a painful childhood or past. They have mastered the art of medicating through various means so as not to face the awful reality of the roots of their hurt and the excruciating emotional pain that it brings. What they don’t realize is that they must connect with the emotion of the event so they can grieve and heal.

When we are unable to connect emotionally, we are in denial – minimizing, protecting to avoid the pain. This is what most of us have been doing all of our lives – running away thereby bypassing the grieving process altogether unable to move forward. However, it is the grieving process that gives Jesus access to step inside our pain – to love us, comfort us, wipe away our tears, as He lovingly begins to replace the lies, the messages that have polluted our hearts and minds which have robbed us from seeing ourselves through our right identity as precious children of the living God.

To grieve means to mourn a loss, sorrow, express feelings of grief, sadness or regret. It’s a cleansing process that heals the soul and allows us to come to terms with the wreckage of our past. As we sorrow and weep over the losses, the walls of self-protection begin to come down and the burdens we have carried are removed and given over to the Lord. Then God’s word begins to come alive in our hearts in a real and tangible way. Our faith is renewed and hope is restored as we start to take God at His word as He heals and restores our hearts, while we hold fast to His promises.

““The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To console those who mourn in Zion, To give beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for heaviness. That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” (Isaiah 61:1-3

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

Insecurity Breeds Relationship Issues

Love is the answer to all our insecurity and relational issues. When we accept God’s love, we can recognize our tremendous value and worth in Him and in turn recognize others’ value. But because of our past wounds and experiences, we are often unable to accept God’s love, and it leaves us struggling with insecurities. Insecurity is a big culprit in how we get along with others.

When we are insecure, we easily become threatened by others, and find it hard to honestly esteem others with the value and significance they deserve as God’s beloved children. Women especially suffer in record numbers with insecurities and low self-esteem. Even in the church, women silently suffer from feelings of being less than.

When you begin to grasp God’s great love for you, and that reality goes from your head to your heart, you will become convinced that you should honor others with that same amazing love.

If you are struggling with insecure thoughts and feelings of worthless, spend time soaking in God’s love for you. Scripture tells us that we love God because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). Despite the lies the enemy has made you believe about your value and worth that is hindering your ability to love and be loved — when you go to the source of love, He will remove every barrier hindering your ability to receive His love. Then you will be able to fulfill our Christian calling to “Love God with all your soul, heart and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. “(Mathew 22:37) We cannot give what we don’t have.

As God washes you with His word, He will fill your with His thoughts and truths, and equip you for loving others because you will understand the very nature and depth of His love.

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share

Abuse Takes Many Forms

Often people don’t realize they are being abused because movies depict the most terrorizing physical images that  don’t line up with their experience.  But abuse takes many forms and shapes, leaving those in the situation confused, unsure of themselves, living in shame, and walking on eggshells to not set the person off.

Each family member takes on a role, in order to cope:

• the family hero rises above the reputation and devastation with awards and accomplishments.

• the quiet one stays in their room and doesn’t engage often.

• the problem child becomes the one everyone blames.

• the enabler centers their whole life around the abuser, addict, etc. trying to fix and control them

• the counselor tries to comfort and distract the family from the issues

The ways we survived as a child, we take into adulthood unless there has been some sort of intervention.  This is where life gets tricky because in healthy situations or relationships our roles don’t fit without some kind of conflict.  We get confused, frustrated, etc. because healthy people don’t respond to our roles in the way they use to serve us.  Eventually we get help and draw close to God whose love and grace flood into those very vulnerable and broken places.  Our hearts become transformed.

Unfortunately we often attract the very relationships we prayed to get out of because our roles work in the dysfunctional and the cycle now begins to repeat itself sadly.  Many people are unable to see their way out of these cycles and keep going back into them, like attracts like.  If you are in an abusive situation, there is help.

Cycles of abuse are hard to break, it’s hard work, but it’s worth it 🙏 God is able to break the lies you believe and once the lies are replaced with his truth, our behaviors change.

“Therefore, brothers and sisters, in view of the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your true worship. Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:1-2

Niki Chiles

Share on Facebook
Tweet
Follow us
Save
Share